A Civilian’s Guide to the Military Wife

The other day in my blog, I mentioned that I was a patriotic kinda girl and I always have been.  I wasn’t excited, however, when my boyfriend our senior year of high-school told me he had been accepted to the Air Force Academy. I didn’t think that whole long distance relationship thing for four entire years would be much fun at all, and I was right in a lot of ways.  In other ways though, it prepared me for a life of often times having to love him from afar and live independently.  We have lived through our share of deployments, exercises where there is no access to him, and tdys (temporary duty assignments, or business trips), some long, some short. I have put down my own flooring, wallpaper, fixed toilets (they always overflow during deployments), dealt with hospital emergencies, traveled alone with kids via car or plane, held crying children that missed their daddy, cried myself to sleep, and got a dog—all during deployments.  Contact with deployed spouses went from driving to base to get one 15 minute video call (with horrible reception) during his tour to being able to talk daily via Facetime or Skype with our iPhones.  Amazing!

My man has served for 20 plus years now as an officer in the Air Force, so we have also had our share of relocations and all the other things being a military family entails. I have loved every minute of it, and when there looked to be a minute I might not love, I would go to the Chamber of Commerce of the new city and find something TO love. It has been a wonderful life, in spite of the hard times. My least favorite, even above deployments, has been living in limbo while the Air Force decided just what to do with us next.  If you’re a civilian and have no idea how to empathize with the limbo period a military family faces every few years here is a snapshot: Imagine having to sell your home whether the market was up or down. Imagine not knowing if you should enroll your kids in school or if you’ll be moved by then.  Imagine trying to eat all the food in your pantry because it might be any day that you get a few weeks’ notice to pack up. Imagine surfing the web at a myriad of different possible locations where you might be moving and trying to wrap your brain around how far that will be from family this time.  Imagine wondering if the new outdoor playset you bought for the kids at this duty station will put you over the amount of weight the military will pay to move. (if you go over, the cost per pound comes out of your pocket.) Imagine telling your friends you are moving in the next 6 months or so and watch the ensuing struggle that occurs while they try to protect their hearts and start to pull away even before you leave and really need their support.   And that doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the other “limbo” issues: should we sign the kids up for sports or will we leave before the season starts?  What will our new home/church/hairdresser/dentist/schools/friends be like? Will husband enjoy this job? Where will I fit in? How are the kids taking the news of moving this time, really? Will our house sell in time so that we can buy or will we have to rent or should we live on base? How long is the wait to live on base? Will our household goods come door to door (ha! Dream on! Happened only once to us in 20 years!)  Or will we be waiting days and weeks sleeping in a place on sleeping bags with just a few necessities? (Actually, that’s pretty fun!)

We are nearing the end of our time in the military and hopefully have used the last Sharpie to write “KITCHEN ITEMS” in large letters on a box so we can find it easily and eat sooner than later.  We have happily settled down in our little town in the Florida panhandle. It is close to the hometown my man and I grew up in and our family is within a couple of driving hours—a far cry from a four day drive across country.   We’ve lived in 10 houses in 20 years, had two children, adopted two more, and had a grand total of 16 pets live with us throughout those years (not counting the many fish that went on to Davy Jones’ locker!) My heart has hurt so badly watching my children hurt at times that the pain felt physical, yet I’m always surprised at how resiliently they have bounced back and adapted happily to their new home. We’ve missed our family and spent most vacations “going home”.  We have friends scattered across the world like the breadcrumbs from Hansel and Gretel…you try hard not to let proximity be the deciding factor on who you stay close friends with. 

But all in all…it has truly been a wonderful life and an honor to be a tiny part of serving this country in my own way.  To provide a safe place for a serviceman to come home to and make each house a home no matter how small/scary/fancy/decrepit/perfect is a learned art. To be the backbone of the family—the consistency for your children because daddy goes to serve—that’s an honor a military wife does not take lightly.  To have the strength to let your children experience pain because you know it makes them stronger, broadens their horizons, builds their character, and ultimately that they will be okay is tormenting.  To feel your stomach drop to your feet when you hear your serviceman say, “Honey, we need to talk. I talked with my boss today….” yet smile through the tears and say, “This will be good. It will all be good. California (or Louisiana or Germany or Idaho or North Dakota) will be a fun adventure! When do we go?” All of these things and more are truly an honor to a military spouse.  And we may be a little prideful because we’ve been through a lot and we came out the better for it, so forgive us if we come across less sympathetic than we should when you complain about your husband’s week long business trip.  We know better. It’s all relative.

 I will leave you with a few of my personal list of Do’s and Don’ts’ of Civilian/Military friendships:

 *Do open your heart to your military friend—even if she is in your life for a short time, you will both be better for having engaged and fully loved.

*Don’t discount the amount of time a spouse is gone: “Oh, it’s only 3 months? That won’t be bad—it will fly by I’m sure!” You may be trying to encourage your friend, but it is actually discouraging to be facing the daunting task of parenting/running a household alone and have your friend seemingly tell you to shrug it off.

*Do tell her you want to make dinner/keep the kids/hire a sitter and take her out, have her lawn mowed (or whatever you think will be the most help) and ask her which date works best for her.  One of my favorite birthdays ever involved two of my friends hiring a sitter for me as a surprise and taking me out to eat.  I cherish that memory over 10 years later.

*Don’t “jokingly” tell her after you find out her family is military that you can’t be friends with her because it hurts too bad when the military moves them. She knows a part of you means what you say. (Yes, I’ve had this said to me several times)

*Do introduce her to your friends and ESPECIALLY to your hairdresser (if you have a good one!) when she moves to your area.

 And don’t let proximity be the deciding factor in our friendship. J

Daily, Deliberately, and with Delight,
Lori